⋅The Psychology Of Abusers⋅

Larry had been arrested three times in the past year for battering his wife. Each time, she dropped the charges and gave him the proverbial one-more-last-chance. And each time, he kept his promise for a while and then repeated the behavior a little more violently.

The first time, Larry slapped her so hard that Krissy fell into an empty bathtub, ripping the curtains down in the process and breaking her arm.

The second time, he beat her with a belt, leaving painful welts and black-and-blue marks all over her back and buttocks and giving her a bloody nose. The third time, he put her in the hospital after he beat her with his fists, shattered several bones in her face, and pushed her down the six brick steps leading from the front porch to the driveway, breaking her nose and giving her a concussion.

The fourth time she didn’t drop the charges. She couldn’t. She died from her injuries.

Today, Larry is in prison for murder. His two children are orphans. They live with his sister Beth Anne and her husband.

We met Beth Anne when she hired us to clean up the home where Krissy died.

We wanted to know why men batter women.

Abuse Breeds Abusers

“You know, I have no use for Larry,” Beth Anne told us, “even though he is my brother and I love him. I have no sympathy for him. He treated Krissy awful. And he treated Margie, his first wife, just as bad. But Margie didn’t put up with it the way Krissy did. She had no kids and she divorced him and went back home to Portland. I think that’s the only reason she’s still alive.”

Beth Anne told us that she and Larry grew up in a violent home in which their father abused their mother verbally and physically.

“Oh, he would call her awful, awful names when he got mad, which was a lot. When we were little, Larry and I would hide in our rooms and cry when they would fight. As we got older, I guess Larry felt like he should protect Mom, and he’d go right up against Dad. Then Dad would belittle him and call him names. Dad used to yell awful things at Larry like “You think you’re man enough to stand up to me? You’re nothing but a puny piece of [expletive] like your mother!” and he’d beat the crap out of Larry. Larry had more bloody noses and black eyes by the time he was 13 or 14 than any kid I knew. Dad punched him in the stomach once and ruptured his spleen.

I think the humiliation and frustration of not being able to stop Dad, of being put in a position where he had to try to defend Mom but couldn’t, made him feel powerless and worthless.

Plus that’s kind of what Dad drilled into him. “You worthless piece of [expletive]” was Dad’s favorite phrase for Larry whenever he got mad. I think watching Mom put up with the abuse enraged Larry, too. As he got older, when they’d fight, he used to whisper, “She’s such a wimp! Why does she put up with his [expletive]? Why doesn’t she just leave him?” And he’d storm out of the house and go smoke dope with his friends.

“Why don’t I feel sorry for him?” She pointed at the two children sitting at the dining-room table doing their homework. “That’s why. Them kids. Larry should’ve gotten help for their sake.

All of us tried to talk to him but he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He’d blame their fights on Krissy, just like he did Margie.”

Evidence strongly suggests that when children witness abuse, they become abusers. They are filled with rage, lack self-worth, lack communication skills, and lack the tools to skillfully manage conflict. They blame themselves for what happened in their childhood home. They were often belittled and attacked by the abuser, and they learn that violence is the way to solve problems.

Abusers Lack Self-Worth

Tony physically abused his wife for three years before she left him. For Tony, losing his wife was the catalyst for his seeking help.

He went into therapy and now advocates against domestic violence and runs a support group for men who are abusers.

“I had no self-esteem,” Tony told us. “I saw every man as a threat, even if it was just one of her co-workers or a neighbor. Once at an office party, I made a big stupid scene when I slapped a drink out of her hand because she touched a coworker’s shoulder.

I saw everything she wanted to do that didn’t revolve around me as a sign that she was looking for something better than me.

I was always convinced that she wasn’t really satisfied with me, so I tried to box her in so that she wouldn’t have the chance to find anything better. The whole problem, I see now, was not that she wasn’t happy with me. I wasn’t happy with me.

When she decided to go back to school, my ego just couldn’t handle it. Well, I expressed my insecurity by demoralizing and belittling her.

I threatened her, called her names, told her she was too stupid to go to school, ripped up her college application, and she left me that day.

The next week, I went into therapy. At first, I was hoping to get her back, but I could see that would never happen. Pretty soon, I realized that the therapy was actually helping me become a better person. I was able to apologize to her and let her go.

Now we’re friends and she’s married to someone else who treats her really good, and I’m happy for her.”

Evidence suggests that people who lack self-esteem also often deal with abandonment issues and fear of rejection, which cause them to become violent.

Abusers Always Seek Control

Abusers abuse because of deep psychological struggles within themselves. Above all, they respond to their fear of losing a partner by attempting to control the partner. They gain that control through fear and intimidation.

You Can Lead Abusers to Help, but You Can’t Make Them Well

Is there help for domestic abusers?

Yes! But just like abusing someone is a choice, so is getting help. Victims can never be the direct source of that help. Victims do not cause the abuse and cannot rescue their abusers. The abusers themselves must seek and accept the help they need.

If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse, either as a victim or an abuser, there are several resources available to help. Don’t let your story end with tragedy. Get help now. We have listed some good resources at the end of this article.

We are Advanced Bio Treatment. We are here for you 24 hours every day of the year. Should you need our services, please call us at 800-295-1684.

Resources

Emerge – Counseling and Education to Stop Domestic Violence: Wanting to stop being an abuser is not enough, Emerge takes you through the proven steps to changing your life for the better and stopping the abusive behavior, as well as helping survivors to recover.

The Public Broadcasting System Presents – No Safe Place: An in depth interview with Susan Hanks, Ph.D and Director of the Family and Violence Institute on the No Safe Place program, with insights into the psychology of abusers and victims. She details how the program helps stop the violence as well as how members of society can help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline – Is Change Possible in an Abuser: Discussing the potential for change in an abusive relationship, along with the key factors to making change a reality. The home page also provides numerous resources as well as a confidential hotline to discuss abuse and get help.

Love Is Respect – Get Help For Yourself: Can I Stop Being Abusive: Abusive behavior can quickly become a habit that is hard to break. Love Is Respect offers resources and information to help abusers break the cycle.

Hidden Hurt – Help For Abusers: Answers questions on abuse and offers resources for both victims and abusers on where to get help.

Here And Now – Domestic Abuser Education: An interview with Psychologist David Adams, who has dedicated his life to helping abusers change and stop the violent behavior. He is a co-founder of Emerge, an education program for perpetrators of domestic violence.