⋅Victims of Domestic Violence⋅

According to an October 23, 2014, article in the Huffington Post, the number of women murdered by current or previous male partners between 2001 and 2012 was nearly double the number of troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq during the same time period.

This is the tragic story of one of those women.

The Mentality of the Abused

“He only pushed me. He didn’t hit me,” Sam said, her voice trembling in perfect time with her right arm, which she held across her face to hide her bloody lip.

“Well! Let’s throw a party for him!” snapped her mother, Grace, who had rushed to Sam’s home when nine-year-old Tara called Grace hysterically crying that Daddy broke down the door and was yelling at Mommy and breaking things. The domestic violence in which her daughter felt trapped was no stranger to Grace.

As Sam sat trembling against a living-room wall that had a gaping punch-hole in it, Grace surveyed the damage.

Blood dripped from Sam’s wounded lip onto the bruised arm hiding it.

Black mascara pooled in large circles underneath both her eyes and dripped onto her knees, which were drawn up tight against her chest. The inset oval glass on the front door lay in shards all over the entry way, along with splintered trim and a hammer. The coffee table was upside down and broken in half. The flat-screen TV, which Grace had given them last Christmas, looked like an enormous glass spider web, completely smashed. Broken glass, plastic, and splinters of wood covered the blue carpet.

Grace began punching numbers on her cell phone.

“No!” Sam cried. “Don’t call the police! They’ll arrest him and make it even worse. We’ll work this out, Mom.”

Grace just stared at Sam. Finally, Sam spoke again.

“Mom, you don’t understand. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have argued with him. He was just frustrated about losing his job and had a few drinks, that’s all. When he called me, I got mad and said something about spending money on booze and he just lost it. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“A few drinks?” Grace gasped in disbelief. “At 11 in the morning? Why isn’t he spending this time job hun— ”

“Stop, Mom. Just stop,” Sam interrupted. She sounded utterly defeated, exhausted.

After a long silence, Grace carefully modulated her voice to a quiet and calm tone and slowly spoke.

“Sammy, it’s always something. And it’s always your fault. Remember last time? When he flew into a jealous rage and gave you a black eye and two broken ribs because he imagined you were flirting with that neighbor—Danny, wasn’t it?

That’s not love, Sam! That’s insanity! Wake up, honey, please! I am begging you—come home, leave him, before it’s too late!”

Sam just buried her head in her blood-streaked arm and shook.

“It’ll be okay, Mom. I promise. Now go home. Please.”

But it wasn’t okay. And it would never be okay again, ever.

The Death Call

The next call Grace received is what police refer to as a “death call” made by two unlucky cops who draw the short straw and must go to an unsuspecting person’s home to deliver the devastating news that a loved one has been found dead.

“Her face just crumbled,” the detective said. “She fell to the floor sobbing and wailing ‘Not my Sam! No!’ This was one of the hardest calls I’ve done.”

Sam was found lying face down in a river of blood and vomit on her kitchen floor. She was still alive when police arrived but died on the way to the hospital. Later, the coroner reported that she had suffered three stab wounds to her chest and throat, but she had not died of those wounds. Acute abdominal trauma and massive internal bleeding killed her. She had been kicked—hard—repeatedly.

Little Tara had run to a neighbor’s house when she heard glass breaking and her parents screaming, and the neighbors summoned the police.

Sam’s husband was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand, hunched over, rocking back and forth, and scowling when police arrived.

The Mentality of the Abuser

His statement to police was, “That [expletive] just tried her hardest to make me mad. She couldn’t follow even the simplest [expletive] instructions. Tell her to do something and she does just the [expletive] opposite. I mean, I give her one simple job, to fix me a [expletive] hot meal when I get home, and what does that [expletive] do? Goes shopping with the kid instead of taking care of her husband. If she’d just done what I said, none of this [expletive] would’ve happened.”

He was arrested at the scene and later charged with and convicted of her murder.

Cleaning Up the Fragments of Shattered Lives

We met Sam’s grief-stricken mother when she hired us to clean the house in which Sam was killed.

We sat with Grace in her living room, where she seemed to draw strength from talking to us about Sam, showing us pictures of Sam, showing us the trophies Sam had won running track in high school, showing us Sam’s high-school yearbooks, and introducing us to Tara.

This client quickly claimed a very special and personal place in our hearts and gave us permission to write about her daughter in an effort to help others who, like Sam, are trapped in domestic violence.

Sam’s tragic story is not the exception but rather the horrifying rule.

Domestic Violence: a Form of Bullying

The overwhelming majority of victims of domestic violence are women over whom male partners gain physical, psychological, emotional, and mental control.

Domestic Violence is always about the need to control another person.

Abusers achieve this control through fear and intimidation. Domestic violence is a form of bullying.

The first step in combating domestic violence is recognizing it in your life or in the life of someone else.

Know What Domestic Violence Is

Domestic violence is not just physical.

In fact, physical abuse often begins with emotional, mental, and psychological abuse such as

Threats
Name-calling
Obsessive jealousy
Accusations
Belittling
Blaming
Yelling
Withholding affection.

Physical abuse is not just beating or hitting.

Physical abuse often begins with emotional, mental, and psychological abuse and escalates through varying degrees of physical abuse. The following, in addition to beating and hitting, are all forms of physical abuse:

Choking
Pushing and shoving
Kicking
Pulling hair
Biting
Arm twisting
Reckless driving
Stalking
Punching or destroying walls, doors, and other objects
Stealing or damaging a partner’s personal possessions
Throwing and / or threatening with objects
Locking a partner out of her home
Refusing to get a partner help or medical attention

Domestic violence is never, ever about love.

It is always about control. If you or someone you know feels trapped in an abusive situation, help is available. We have listed many good resources below.

If we can ever be of service to you or to someone you know, please do not hesitate to call Advanced Bio Treatment at 800-295-1684. We are available 24 hours every day of the year.

Domestic Violence Resources:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence – Statistics on Domestic Violence

Women’s Law.org : Resources on Domestic Violence, what it is, how to recognize it, who is at risk, and how to get help.

Help Guide.org – Domestic Violence And Abuse

The National Domestic Violence Hotline